Nov 21 2008
I wonder…
I wonder how it is that someone can feel so sorry for someone and yet so angry at them in the same moment. As I mentioned last night was the memorial for my bff’s Aunt and obviously her son, my ex was there. He was busy with his new gf and we didn’t get a chance to talk. My bff was talking to him and I walked over to tell him I was sorry. Said bff asked her cousin how his kids were doing and he responded “I wouldn’t know it’s easier not to talk to them.”
I understand that his psycho ex wife makes it very, very hard for him but if he would grow a pair and stand up to her it would make a difference. It is bad enough that they are all the way in FL and he can’t see them because he can’t afford to visit them but legally she is supposed to let him talk to them. So I was so angry with him that when the minister started talking about his mom I broke down crying.
In that moment I felt several feelings all at once. I felt so sad for him and the rest of the family that their mother, wife, sister, aunt, and cousin had died. I felt so angry with him that he was turning into an asshole that didn’t care about his kids just like my father. I felt mad at myself for caring and letting it get to me. I wondered why I cared, why did I let it bother me? I felt like maybe I still had feelings for him. I was angry because I loved him I really did! It was hard for me to let myself fall in love, and what did it get me? He ruined it; he destroyed what we had with his lies. I could have been there for him. I could have been with him while his mother was dying, held him while he cried, listen to him.
Imagining what could have been ate me up inside. However, my bff made me realize that I was better off, watching him give up his kids would have destroyed me. Realizing that I was with someone just like my father who I disgust would have made me so angry with myself. In the end my bff helped me through it like she always does. I know I lean on her more then I probably should but she is more than just my friend, she is like a sister. In fact I am a hell of a lot closer to her then I am my sister. So anyway, I know this post is a lot longer then I usually write but I just needed to vent.
